oh yes

there are worse things than

being alone

but it often takes decades

to realize this and most often

when you do

it's too late

and there's nothing worse

than

too late.

-Charles Bukowski

When Opportunity Comes Knocking

ANOTHER DAY IN THE LIFE OF BURT JOHNSON

By N. Ritz

I quit my position at Bob's Stubs & Subs last week. I got real sick of Sally(nicknamed The Claw) always stealing Bob's cockrings and throwing them in the deep fryer, which I was in charge of, and then blaming it on me. I know Bob didn't really believe it was me, but Bob really wants to fuck Sally, so he would use the opportunity to flirt with her and show off his manliness by chewing me out and humiliating me while she stood there giggling.

Ray's Sloppy Seconds had a position open so on Friday I didn't even give a 2 week notice. I finished my shift and said "I quit. Good luck fuckers!"

I started at Ray's yesterday. Right now from 6AM to 8AM he has me pouring BBQ sauce from a very large tub into small squeezable bottles. From 8 to 12 I chop vegetables and slice meat. I get a 15 minute break and then I take inventory of all the waste while separating the usable and unusable. The work is challenging and the pay is the same, but it sure beats the hell out of that bitch fucking with me and trying to get me fired everyday. With hard work and dedication I hope to be promoted soon to head cashier. Wish me luck.

Burt Johnson

Pony Express Record

Such an evil album. Such a great album. In heavy rotation this morning.

A big step forward

I've been following this case. http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2006-03-26-christian-covert_x.htm?csp=24

I'm very glad to hear that it has been dismissed, but this guy will seriously have to go into something equivalent to the Witness Protection Program if he stands any chance of having some sort of life. Pretty fucked up, but again, a big step foward.

DON'T PANIC

Some fatheads were scheduled to walk through the building I live in at 11:30 this morning. Since they were nice enough to let me know in advance, I decided, instead of sitting in my underwear with a pickle in my ear while they walked through, I would have it my way, and took myself to Burger King where I enjoyed a chicken sandwich, side salad and a Dr. Pepper. If you are bored on Saturday afternoon you can always go sit in the BK on North Avenue across from Humboldt Park. They've got everything: thugs, homeless men, fights, the police, vibrating children, screaming silly men, oompa loompas, and purple elephants. That's entertainment.

DON'T PANIC." - Words inscribed in large, friendly letters on front cover of The Hitchhiker's Guide

"Space," it says, "is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindboggingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galazy is one of my all time favorite series of books. Douglas Adams was brilliant. Even though the special effects are not that hot, I loved the BBC series as well. A motion picture of the first book was made a year ago. I didn't go see it. I was unsure about it. I rented it a couple weeks ago and last Sunday I thought it would be a good movie to watch. I fell asleep 3 times trying to watch it. That's not a good sign. I've hung on to it though thinking I'd try again when I'm not out of it like I was that day. Since our mixing session has been canceled today, I think I might try it again. I'll be honest though, I don't have high expectations. I've purchased beer to enhance the experience. It's too early in the day to have my "brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick" from the effects of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Maybe later.

Thanks to all who came out to Mutiny last night and supported. You're beautiful and I love you. Hope you had fun. I sure did. Cheers!!

Brain Fart

Holy monkey chicken! So, all night last night I talked, laughed, danced, and gave cigarettes to a girl who I thought was someone else. And looking back now I can't believe I thought she was that person. When I realised my mistake at the end of the night I laughed and laughed and laughed uncontrollably. I'm still laughing. The girl never suspected that I thought she was someone else, but I did go as far as to say to her boyfriend at the end of the night "When did you guys start hanging out again?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! At that moment as I heard the words come out of my mouth is where I realised my flaw. Jeez, I think it's time to switch to Sanka!

Lots of fun last night at Darkroom with Greatest Hits, Bon Mots, and Ladies and Gentleman. The night ended with Chris from Innjoy and myself breaking up a fist fight on Chicago Ave over politics. I only got hit once and then the Darkroom staff took over.

Anyway, if you're looking for something to do tonight, here ya go:

South of North presents...
Milk at Midnight at The Mutiny
2428 Western Ave. (home of the world's largest urinal)
9pm or so

FREE!w/America's #1 Sweetheart
TrapperKeeper
The Broke Players
(MaM plays last)

As Tom says:a south of north event. as usual, completely free. free music, free pool, free darts, free golf, free laughs and cheap drinks. if you ask nicely and i've had enough beer, i'll even give you a free ... on second thought, never mind.

p.s.- look for new stuff soon from MaM, songs, videos, fancy emails and fish heads.

bored? why not be our friend on my space! it'll get you through the work day!

tired? go to bed!

Father Slurron and the Church of Intoxication

The father was definitely representing this weekend. He doesn't feel so hot today. There was a very stinky homeless man on the train this morning and the Father very nearly tossed his cookies all over him.

Saw The Cult on Friday. It was a kick ass show. They sounded great. I'm glad I finally got to see them. Caught the last set of Tangleweed up at Cary's Lounge afterwards. They kicked ass as well. Saturday there was a birthday party at Lincoln Tap Room. If you paid $35 you got to drink all that you could from 7:00 to 11:00. I did. Then closed Beachwood. Then went to a mini after hours party. Yesterday was a day of worship as well. Oh my oh my. Today will be a day of rest. Unfortunately I have to get through a day of work first.

The Blizzard of 06

Wow! We got clobbered here in Chicago! I can't believe how much it snowed. The snow plow crew really had their work cut out for them I tell ya. I'm surprised all of us made it to work this morning with all the drifts we had to climb over. I'm exhausted. Sarcasm off. A slight dusting.

Today is St. Patrick's Day. Is it true that everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day? I once told someone I was born again Irish. Ha ha! I really have a taste for Baileys right now actually. Do you think they'd let it slide if I whipped myself up a little Irish coffee to go along with my work this morning? Well yes, of course they would. They loved my suggestion of coming into work completely shitfaced. Remember?

I haven't been drunk all week. I'll probably get drunk tonight. Cheers! Slainte! Hiccup!!

This is one hell of an awesome line up!!

http://metromix.chicagotribune.com/music/326754,0,888936.event?coll=mmx-home_bottom_hedsh2o

Wichita Lineman

I've listened to like 6 or 7 versions of it this morning. All great. Glen Campbell, Johnny Cash, Friends of Dean Martinez, REM, and of course the original. Ok, maybe 5 versions, but some of them I've listened to more than once. For some reason I can't get enough of it this morning.

Thanks for stopping by,

Utch

Ask The Dust

http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2006/03/10/fante/ John Fante is one of my favorite writers. I only learned of his writing from a Mr. Hank Chinaski aka Charles Bukowski. I'm looking forward to the movie version of Ask The Dust, but also am nervous about it. I hope it's done right.

This has been the longest work day ever. 4:17. We're on the home stretch now baby! "Don't call me Son of a Bitch, I'm Arturo Bandini!"

How was the weekend?

Well, the weekend was good!

Stuff

Breakfast: Corn Flakes. Milk. Coffee

Friday

Last book read: The Jungle - Upton Sinclair

Currently reading: The Communist Manifesto - Karl Marx & Friedrich Engels

Lunch: salami and cheddar cheese

Quote: "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries." —Sir Winston Churchill

Currently listening to: Rush - Power Windows

Work: Caught up

Beer: Yes, please!

Netflix at home: Chicago: City of the Century - discs 1 and 2

Dinner: ?

Weekend: Sing, dance, record, beer, parade, party, rain, 60 degrees, friends, fiends...

Stuff

Someone here at work just said, after putting a letter through a paper folding machine, "I don't understand; it went in fine and came out the other side all funky." Yes, such as is the case with most things. We're born into this world pure and innocent and clean and once passed through the machine of life we come out the other end funky, distorted, and damaged.

End of an era; let's end it in style!!

The last big hoorah at the Hoyne house. I was going to type my own blog, but I'm just linking Danny instead. http://dannydoom.com/ This should be a whole hell of a lot of fun. What better way to end the Legion of Doom era. If you know me, please get in touch with me if you are interested. You know how. Or leave a comment of how I can reach you. Cheers! And since the Southside Irish Parade is this Sunday, Slainte! This should be a hell of a weekend.

Oh Yeah

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."

HUH???

I recieved a text message. It came last night. I saw it this morning. It was from a phone # I did not recognize. The message said: "What is your #?" I responded with: "Huh? If you are texting me, you have my #. Who is this?" No response. Was it you? Puzzled I am. Why am I talking like Yoda? Another mystery to ponder over today.

It's 5:12 AM and I can't sleep anymore

I got a little crazy with the cheese wiz on Sunday and had to take an Utch Day yesterday. Sleep I did lots. I wanted to watch a movie last night but instead fell asleep on the couch watching a documentary on channel 20 about Buick around 8:30. Now I'm wide awake. Guess I'll make a pot of coffee and be up.

This picture was taken in Nogalas, Mexico. As soon is this man got done sucking on his melon he chased me down the street and made me give him a dollar for the picture. I knew he would not leave me alone until I did, so I gave him a dollar.

Sweet!!

3,000 pre-sale Lollapalooza tickets went on sale today. $45 bucks. 3 days. I got 2. There was a limit. Last year they went on sale for $35 and my dumb ass decided to wait because I didn't know what the line up was going to be or if it would actually happen. I ended up paying over a $100 for a ticket. It was still worth it. It was a fantastic weekend. Well, this year, besides a few ideas, I don't know what the line up is, but had decided that as soon tickets were available I would just buy em. Yeah! Pumped!

Take a Hike February

I'd just like to say that it is March 1st. and no longer February. So long February. Hello March!! Actually, this last February didn't get me down nearly as much as February's in the past have. I think the combination of going somewhere warm for a week and coming back and starting a recording session helped.

Nick Ritz

Guitars, Bass, Vocals, Drums, Trust Specialist

P.S. Tonight on JBTV see Milk at Midnight in the video for "Never Liked It Here Much Anyway," 11pm on WJYS (it's got religious programming on it normally, you know you watch it! It might be 28 if you don't have cable, or 32 if you do).

Also, catch it on JBTV on cable channel 25, Thursday night at 8pm and Sunday night at Midnight!

Since 1986 Jerry Bryant has been playing videos on JBTV, he's a good man, check it out!